Editorial

This week has been interesting to say the least. Andy, my husband has been out of town and usually this heralds mass productivity on my part. When I have the house to myself it is an opportunity to do things without distraction. Decorating gets done; major cleaning projects get finished; all sorts of things that having someone else around would be more difficult to do take place and I had big plans for this week.

In terms of my health I have been going through some interesting experiences. My body has not be functioning correctly for nearly two years, ever since I walked the Susan Komen 3-day in 2010 and it has been an interesting journey as I have found relief from various treatments only to have other symptoms occur after a short period of relief. Earlier this year my doctors asked me to take a stool test – an interesting experience in itself. When the results came back it showed a massive bacterial infection in my gut which led to a course of antibiotics. I have been showing steady improvement since beginning this regimen while dealing with the side effects of the antibiotics.

This week, while Andy is away I began taking new antibiotics with a whole new set of side effects. As a result my big plans had to be sidelined while my body has learned to deal with these new experiences. As a type A, very motivated person it was, initially, very difficult to deal with this until I reframed my thinking to “this is what is most important right now.” When I deliberately changed my focus to supporting myself through this healing – even though it is not very pleasant, I was able to let go of all of the things I had originally planned to do and as a result my body is healing so much quicker. Once the balance is returned to my digestive system, to my health, and to my life I will have so much more energy and be able to achieve so much more. Until then the priority is restoring that balance. I am patiently looking forward to that time.

This year seems to be passing really quickly, there is a saying that “time flies when you are having fun,” and right now I am enjoying my life. How about you, are you enjoying your life? If not what are you doing to improve things?

My favorite workshop each year is “Design your Life,” the goal setting workshop. One of the things that participants like to do after investing the time to create the goals they have is to check in every so often to see if they are still on track with the things they want to achieve. This is a very important part of the process of achieving your dreams. Sometimes things change and suddenly priorities can become totally different in a very short period of time. A friend of mine, a very hard working person, recently had a major medical scare and suddenly, over the course of a few weeks the priorities and the values have changed for this person. Work is no longer the priority, health and family are.

All of us are capable of instantly changing what is important to us as the result of a significant emotional event. Another friend recently went for an annual check up and was told by the doctor that they are showing pre-diabetes in the results of the blood panel. All of sudden there is reason and value behind making the lifestyle changes which did not seem so necessary six months ago – despite having them written down as a goal.

We are also very good at lying to ourselves. I have had numerous clients who have come to me looking to change a habit that they swear in all seriousness that they want to be rid of. Somebody comes to me saying “I want to loose weight;” “I want to stop smoking;” or ” I want to spend more time on my life and stress less about work.” I always ask these people to go inside themselves and trust what their conscience is telling them and say out loud what percentage wants to give up and what percentage wants to keep the habit. Usually the answer is 90% give up and 10% keep the habit.

To be fair this is not something people do on a regular basis and at that moment giving up the habit is at the front of their mind – but sometimes I get the answers they think I want to hear. So if you are not used to really getting in touch with what you want ask yourself this simple question. If I could do one of these things and not the other which would I choose?

You do need to be specific and realistic when you do this. If I was to ask you to choose between health and a job most people would say health. This is not specific enough the question becomes harder to answer when the options are your health or no income (which is what the job represents.) when you get even more specific and ask something like ” If you had to choose between going to the doctors office or getting to work on time because you have and urgent project to complete which would you choose?” My experience has shown me that a lot of people will go into the office – after all you can always reschedule the appointment. So where do their priorities really lie? Are they choosing work or health as the most important priority?

One of the people I really admire, T. Harv Ecker says “How you do anything is how you do everything” and over time I have come to see how true this statement is. You could argue that the project at work is a special case and was only a priority at that particular time. I have heard this over and over again from clients who are resisting making the changes they have asked me to help them with and every time, when we really explore their values in depth, without them being consciously aware of it work is more important than health. It could be fear driven – fear of loosing the job; it could be responsibility driven – it’s my responsibility to provide for my family; or a host of other reasons. What is really important here is to be totally honest about it. Being honest about what really takes priority is liberating. It frees the person from all the negative emotions of being in denial and gives them the point from which they are starting so that, finally, they can move towards the results they are looking for.

Have you been struggling to make some changes in your life or lifestyle? Perhaps analyzing what is important to you will help you get past the obstacles that are stopping you. Ask yourself what those things are and then order them using the comparison of if you had to choose one over another which would you choose? If you are having difficulties doing this you can always contact me at Life By Design.

One final thing, if you have made goals for this year, look at them and review. Are they still the things you want to achieve? Have you done the things you planned to do? Do you need to make some changes or adjust ?

Now compare what is important to you to the goals you have set.  If the goal is based in a value that is 9th or below in you values list you will find it difficult to achieve without tweaking what is important to you.

Earlier this week I met with a teacher in our local education authority. This teacher was looking for help with a specific problem that would help her students searching for employment and she thought my skills could possibly be a solution.

As an ex-teacher myself I was excited at the prospect of being able to help and we had a great discussion centered on the specific needs of the students. Then came the awkward piece for the teacher – what are my fees for coming to speak to her students? You see this teacher had found me through our local adult education service where I had been scheduled to teach a class – “Presentation skills for job seekers.” unfortunately the minimum required enrollment had not been reached and the class did not run. This teacher would have paid money to attend and learn the skills I was presenting so she could pass them along to her students. The difference was that my going into the school directly met a whole new set of financial criteria. Suddenly this was no longer a personal expense for the teacher it would be an expense to a very stretched budget.

I have a deep affinity with teachers and their dedication. I know from personal experience the hard work and commitment they devote to their students. To me anything to assist these students become independent and self supporting adults is very important so it was with great pleasure I was able to offer to visit as guest speaker for no fee. The teacher was thrilled at this prospect. But was this really so far out on my part to offer to do this pro- Bono? I personally don’t think it was. To enable a young person to become an independent and responsible citizen is really a benefit for me in the long run. To me that is what community is all about. It costs me very little to give an hour of my time to contribute to the life skills of several young people but if that contribution allows them to become self sufficient and an integral part of the community the cost of my time diminishes even further. The contribution they will return to their environment greatly outweighs any expense to me. And above all else it gives me great pleasure to watch them succeeding.

So where in your life can you pay it forward, help someone simply for the pleasure of doing so? We all need human contact and the rewards of helping others are almost always so much more than the cost of doing it.

Tuesday was the spring equinox – the first day of spring, a day when many people focus on energy. For those of you who steer away from what a friend of mine calls woo-woo there is a scientific explanation for the equinox and why it is energetically important. The spring equinox is the time at which the tilt of the earth in its orbit around the sun places the sun’s position north of the equator. At the Vernal equinox in September the relative position of the sun in the sky drops below the equator into the southern hemisphere. So starting at the Spring Equinox and for the next six months until the vernal equinox in September, most of the sun’s energy is directed on the northern hemisphere.  At the vernal equinox the energy shifts and the greater amount of sunshine is felt in the southern hemisphere.

The other two other notable dates are the summer and winter solstices. At the summer solstice in late June the sun is at its most northerly position in relation to the earth and at the winter solstice in December it is at is most southerly position.

In a nutshell, the energy we get from the sun here in the northern hemisphere is at it’s lowest at the December solstice. The energy increases as the tilt of the earth in relation to the sun shifts until the summer solstice when it starts to decrease again. At the spring equinox the proportion of energy being received on earth becomes larger in the northern hemisphere than in the southern hemisphere and stays that way until the vernal equinox in September when the sun shifts to below the equator and the larger proportion of energy hits the southern hemisphere. All of the energy that makes life on earth as we know it comes from the sun.

Since ancient times these events have been celebrated; Druids held ceremonies in ancient places such as Stonehenge in England are believed to have been created as ceremonial sites. I personally find it amazing that druids must have been some of the earliest scientists studying this field; they recognized the significance of these dates even if they did not have the ability to find the reasons behind the changing seasons. Other civilizations too, the early Egyptians, Greeks, and many others had also worked out the patterns that occurred every year and religions grew up around these observations.

Today with our greater knowledge we can explain the reasons behind the natural phenomenon that our ancient ancestors could only observe.

Whatever your feelings or beliefs spring is a time of growth and renewal. For the gardeners, life myself, it is a busy time of managing the garden for increased productivity as everything, including the weeds burst into life from a period of dormancy.

What ever your interests or beliefs enjoy the increased energy spring brings to us.

Sometimes in life we get taken off guard by something that happens unexpectedly.  My observation of this leads me to the belief that there are two basic ways of looking at these curve ball situations.  Be a victim and suffer or learn from the experience and champion through.  Obviously these are the two extremes and in reality curve ball situations are dealt with in varying proportions of both extremes.

Emotionally it takes focus to be able to be the champion.  Curve ball situations give multiple opportunities to become emotionally negative about the situation and frankly it is easier to go down the negative path than to remain positive.  In a few weeks time Donald Trump will be visiting San Jose and I am looking forward to hearing what he has to say.  Whether you like “The Donald” or not you have to admit that he is very successful and yet he has had his share of curved ball situations.  At one point he was millions of dollars in debt and whether true or not I love the story about him pointing to a homeless man on a New York Street and telling his wife that the Gentleman in front of him was millions of dollars richer than he was.  Love him or hate him, Donald Trump is a champion and when given lemons will make lemonade and much, much more.

So how do you behave when you are thrown a curve ball?  Do you allow your negative emotions to rule or are you closer to the champion end of the spectrum?

We are nearly at the end of February, the month most people associate with Valentines Day! Did you spend the day with a loved one or perhaps you don’t have anyone special in your life right now. However you spent the day Valentines Day has a tendency to be emotional and taking good care of your emotions is always a good thing.

Your emotions are controlled by the hormones that are the emotional messengers that travel throughout you body. Your emotional state will impact everything – everything you do, everything you think, even the things you say will vary dependent on the emotional state you are in at the time. How many times have you said something when you were feeling hurt or angry and then regretted it? Or maybe you were excited and said to much then felt foolish?

Here’s the thing though, you can control your emotions and can choose whether to be happy or not. Do you live your life from the perspective of my glass is half empty or from the perspective of my glass is half full? Personally I think the glass is always full, partly full of liquid and the rest is oxygen or in my case opportunity.

If you go through life allowing your emotions to control you and you would like to take control, take charge of how you feel and see the world around you, the very first step is awareness. My suggestion to you is to start asking yourself the question “How do I feel right now?” Ask it frequently and check in with yourself. Once you begin to understand how your emotions are affecting your life and the choices you make you will begin to think more clearly and come from the position of what you are really trying to achieve.

Do you let sense of obligation to override taking care of yourself? I know I do sometimes and it is my belief that many of us do this without realizing it. I recently took part in an event where I was on the organizing committee and on the day of the event I was so focused on making it run well that I neglected my own need to eat and drink and the result was a bad head for the whole of the next day.

I have spent a lot of time learning how to listen to my body over the last few years as I strove to overcome back and leg issues but my adrenalin levels were running so high that I was not getting the messages or I was choosing to ignore them. I was working in crisis mode. I have done this all my life and I see other people doing the same thing; Mothers who continually put their children before themselves, not necessarily a bad thing to do but where is division between solving all the children’s problems and letting go so they can learn to stand on their own feet. Or what about the employee who is so afraid of loosing their job they stress over the job at the expense of everything else and are unable to take time to enjoy other aspects of life.

If you know you behave in this way know also that you are probably making yourself sick.  Maybe you do not see symptoms of illness but over the long term high levels of stress – which is what this really is, are not good for you.

What ever you are doing that is causing you to be this focused for any length of time give yourself the gift of balance and incorporate some other things into your life.  Set yourself boundaries that help you to know when you are allowing obligation to override your personal well being.

There is a saying that time flies when you are having fun. I guess I must be having a lot of fun because it’s hard to believe that it is already January 22nd. In many ways it seems as if the New Year celebration for the Roman calendar was only yesterday and in others it feels like it was a long time ago as I get back into the swing of things with business, we move away from the holiday celebration and back to the everyday commerce. Students are returning to university, high schoolers are going into finals for the semester and business is ramping up. If, like me, planning is a big part of this time of year you may be experiencing the excitement and motivation that comes from spending time looking at the expectations of the coming year and beyond, I know I am. It is also time to celebrate  the lunar new year and we enter the year of the dragon.  In a few short weeks we will see the arrival of spring and the beginning of the growing new year.

This week I have also had several occasions to talk about my time as a school teacher. At one time I was responsible for coordinating the history curriculum of my school and one of my favorite topics was looking at the period of time when the Roman Empire dominated Europe and an expansive area surrounding the Mediterranean sea. The Romans were responsible for much of the calendar as we know it today and January is named for one of their gods -Janus, the Roman god of portals or doorways. Janus had two faces, one looking forward and one looking back. I like to think about the wisdom of the Roman civilization and that 2000 years ago they recognized that understanding the past and planning for the future were both important when planning how to move forward. The Roman empire became the dominant civilization in that part of the world because of strategy. Tacticians planned and strategized when every one else was reacting to what was happening around them. Through planning and strategy the Roman empire grew and with every success they became more motivated and gained momentum to grow. Eventually the Empire receded and was replaced by the dark ages, a time when countries vacated by the Romans were fragmented and a period of reorganization took place with no major ruling force but this was after hundreds of years of economic domination.

I enjoyed teaching about this period in history and even as I am writing this I am realizing the parallels in strategy between the big picture of the way the Roman Empire grew and the way any successful enterprise grows.

At a very basic level to be successful first strategize, execute the strategy, evaluate what worked, repeat.

This is true for any aspect of life and even without realizing it all our successes and failures follow this outline.

To me the difference between success and failure hinges on one part of this formula -the evaluation.

If we evaluate something that didn’t work for us as failure and make the decision that we cannot do it or it is not possible or even worse we start attaching emotions based on what others may think of our lack of success then we are unlikely to attempt anything similar. We may not even be aware of the decisions we have made, they could be generated subconsciously.

If, however, we choose to use the things that don’t work as feedback and do not allow the emotional stuff to paralyze the thought processes that enable us to see what did or didn’t work, then we can progress forward towards success.

Thomas Edison made thousands of light bulbs that did not work before finally finding one that did. What would our world be like today if he and the many other great inventors of our time had accepted failure over feedback?

So my hope for all of us today, as we start building the momentum on 2012 is that we can use all of our experiences to drive us towards the goals we have set for ourselves. Allow the things that don’t go to plan to become feedback and be aware of what emotions are trying to say. Are the emotions setting us up to feel less than good about ourselves or are they allowing us to see the feedback the experience is giving?

For many people the start of a New Year is the time to reflect, look back at achievements from the previous year, and think about what is to be achieved in the New Year. For others it is the last thing they want to do. We all have our beliefs and attitudes about how we live our lives and every one of them is valid to each individual. Personally, I am one of the people who likes to plan. I haven’t always been that way though.

Up until a few years ago I was one of the people who set New Year resolutions and by January 31 they had all been forgotten – swallowed up in the hustle and bustle of every day life. My life was pretty good. I have two awesome children that I had dedicated my life to bringing up and my major focus in life was them. Pretty much every choice I made was for their benefit or certainly included the impact on them. They were my focus and I am very proud of both of them and I am also very satisfied with my own performance bringing them up.

Looking back over my life so far I can distinctly remember a time when as a single mum I made a pledge to myself that my primary “job” was my responsibility to them until they were grown and that is what I did. It wasn’t the only thing I did but it was the primary focus. I went back to school and trained as a teacher – because it was the best choice I could make to support myself and my children. I married a wonderful man but he had to be compatible with my children and very fortunately for all of us he is. I love him dearly but the children had to be taken into consideration. We moved from England to the United States and again the main decision factor for me was what would be the affect on the children. So all through my life from the point of that pledge all my choices and actions were centered around my children. Then about 8 years ago just as my youngest was in college I was asked what my ambitions were? What was my purpose for being? What did I want to achieve with my life? I couldn’t answer other than to say to bring my children up to the best of my ability. – and I’d already done that.

The last eight years of my life and of many people I know have been transformational. After the shock of realizing that all my early ambition had been achieved and my single focus – although very good, was no longer serving me I realized I had no idea what came next. I actually sat next to my husband in a room of a hundred people and watched hopelessly as every one in the room wrote down things they wanted to achieve in their lifetimes – and I could not think of anything to write. That experience was an eye opener for me. All these people, including my husband, had dreams, goals, ambitions and I hadn’t got any………………at that time. I came away feeling depressed and something of a failure. Despite the wonderful job I had achieved so far in my life I suddenly realized there was so much more, but how could I possibly do any of the things the others had spoken about?

For several days my mind was in turmoil. I was too old to start! I wasn’t qualified! How could I possibly get what I wanted this late in my life? Did I even want to try?

I had shifted from the place of being pleased with my achievements so far to a position of “I’ve done nothing with my life” – I had done plenty but it didn’t feel like it.

Have you ever walked along a river? In the flow of the river there are places where the water flows calmly, the surface of the water smooth, plants and animals living in the water below the surface; but then the water reaches a place where the gradient gets steeper and the flow of water speeds up and suddenly all is turbulence. The water moves rapidly and it is hard for the environment beneath the surface to have stability, everything seems to be in a state of chaos; but then the gradient levels out, the river widens and grows and calm returns. Life is like that river. In order to grow we often have to go through periods of turbulence and seeming chaos, the term often used to describe this is a period of perturbation. That is where I was 8 years ago- in the middle of a painful period of perturbation. And now I am so happy that I went through it. That was the beginning of my transformation.

The human animal is incredible. We are capable of so much. We are the most adaptable animal on this planet which is why we live the way we do with numerous inventions that have made our lives what they are today. We are made to adapt and yet we like stability, we have our comfort zones and we find change painful. But it is that pain that enables us to grow. Sometimes we choose to visit those painful places of perturbation and other times we are thrown into them. The loss of a loved one – to death or separation, or a traumatic experience like loosing a job are examples of being thrown into periods of perturbation. Many of us resist growth and try to maintain the stability in our lives. Sometimes changes can bring anger and resentment, sometimes it is fear that drives the resistance to change, we have a multitude of emotions all working to maintain the status quo and keep us safe in the boundaries we have inflicted on ourselves.

Thinking of all the wonderful people I have come to know watch grow – myself included, in the last 8 years they all have one thing in common. They know what they want and they aim to get it! Before 2004, I had drifted through my life with no real ambition other than to raise my children and I did a good job. Since then I have achieved so  much more.

After the experience of feeling inadequate, surrounded by people who knew what they wanted followed by a period of beating myself up for not being good enough I began to understand that, just like anything else, knowing what you want takes practice. You cannot go from drifting through life with no goal or ambition to instant laser focus. It takes time and learning to find out what it really is that lights up your world and drives you with passion towards that fulfilling, satisfied life. For me allowing that time was the hardest part, I wanted to know immediately – but that wasn’t to be.

Over the course of the next few years I observed a group of people who became close friends as we navigated this path of finding what we really wanted to be (when we grew up.) The first step was to identify the things we wanted. It took two years before I was able to sit down in January and write my list of 100 things I wanted -some of them are material things – a particular car, a second home in the mountains; some of them are lifestyle changes – eating a particular way as a natural course, exercising as a natural thing rather than forcing myself to go because “I should”; some of them are things I want to achieve, my business in my own office and helping x number of people to transform their lives. The point is that by practicing and focusing on what I want I am so much more aware when opportunities present themselves to help me get it.

When I first wrote my 100 list it stayed pretty much the same for a couple of years but then as I became more congruent with who I am and what my life is all about I began to find I was completing more and more items on my list each year and the scope of my 100 list was expanding. My simple initial list has morphed into a much more complex animal with resistance to change, we have a multitude of emotions all working to maintain the status quo and keep us safe in the boundaries we have inflicted on ourselves.

In my group we would find as we started to work towards things some of them were not what we really wanted at all and it was back to starting again but many times we hit the bull’s-eye and achieved phenomenal results. The key to all of this is that we all kept going. We kept striving to be more than we already are, growing, taking action, trying things out, making mistakes but keeping going anyway. Sometimes there were incredible celebrations and sometimes tears of fear, frustration or anger. The important thing is that through it all we kept going – supported by the other members of the group. For me it has been an absolute honor to be on this journey with this group of people.

Once I had mastered the art of knowing what I wanted the transformations became more and more easy to achieve. After learning how to identify what I want the next phase is to work out how to get it. Some things are obvious and easy, others take a little more planning and then there are the things I know I want but have no idea how to get to them. The important thing here is to not only recognize the goal but to also write it down. Writing it down cements it into focus and adds a different level of awareness.

My hope for you in 2012 that you do achieve what you want to achieve. If you have never tried writing down your goals, your dreams or wants then I hope you will try it. At the beginning of every year I now invest time on myself to write down my 100 list and a plan for how to achieve everything on the list.  The more I practice the easier it gets and the more I achieve every year.  I love my life and the direction I am moving in.

At the very least try writing your 100 list, if you feel good about that plan how you will achieve the things on your list.

If you do want help with this then I run a weekend workshop.  My group and several others attend and everybody writes their individual plan for the year.  If this is something that interests you then click on the link “Design You Life” to find out more and register.  In 2012 the workshop will be Friday, January 13 (7pm-10pm), Saturday, January 14, (10am – 5pm) and Sunday, January 15, (10am – 5pm).

After all the transformation I have seen in my life and the lives of the people I associate with I sincerely hope you will try this as it truly does help to create a satisfying and fulfilling life

Thanksgiving was on Thursday and on Friday morning every media channel was declaring that the holiday season has now started.

My thoughts are turning to all that involves – writing cards and getting them to their destinations in time, gifts, food.

In amongst all this preparation I have a whole category for looking after myself.  After all, I have been carefully watching my food intake and quality, my movement, my sleep my water intake and so on, do – I really want to jeopardize all that for the last month of the year?

I was talking about this to a friend last week and her point was that she wanted to enjoy the holiday without restriction which made me ask myself is that what I am doing? Restricting myself?  After only a short period of thought I came to the conclusion that no, I am not.  But then I asked question “why do some people see eating well and taking care of themselves as a restriction?”

Here is the answer I came up with – It is all about perception and mindset!

Do I need to eat excessively to enjoy myself? No.  Do I need to drink excessive amounts of alcohol to have a good time? In truth there are only a few drinks that I really enjoy drinking and even then I don’t like huge amounts. Looking back over previous years when large quantities of alcohol have been part of my holiday excesses it was really only done to be sociable because alcohol seemed to be the choice of the people I was with.  I didn’t even realize this at the time since my mind was in a place of being part of the group and if it was a group thing I participated as part of the group.  I wasn’t forced to do this it was a choice I made at a subconscious level with very little conscious thought.  It was a party therefore drinking alcohol is expected.

The same is true for many of my habits and behaviors – I do many things because I learned from other people that they were “good” to do.  As a child, how many times did you eat up all that was on your plate because that was expected of you by your parents.  Conversely, I know that as a parent I did have that same expectation for my children.  In addition to this I know, from my recent education, that some of the things I gave to my children as meals were not necessarily the healthiest options for them.  Some times I even gave them unhealthy choices because in my ignorance I did not know what I was doing.  Sometimes it was even of a case of trying to get them to eat anything.  I know that I trained my children with some bad habits that still exist for them today.  I know this because they still make comments about Mum eating “woo woo” foods!

I recently asked some high school seniors how they know what is healthy for them and after an initial blank look as they sifted their thought processes for an answer one of them said they got their knowledge from the media. Some news articles, some adverts, etc

This year I have made myself a promise.  I am going to eat the things I love to eat.  I love fresh produce, raw vegetables and fruit, foods that are not too sweet, my palette does not like “sweet” anymore and I actually feel unwell if I do indulge in sweet, sugar intensive foods.  The other choices?  I will try small quantities but if I do not know all of the ingredients it will be one or two bites only.

Will I be Restricting myself? Yes and no.  I am making the choice to eat and drink things I enjoy.